i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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