I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
