Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize