the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
