My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it's like heaven, but drunker
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
