Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
