Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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