what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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