Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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