one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
