Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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