dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
