do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
