he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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