I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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