So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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