Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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