Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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