nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
