Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
