I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
