I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
