And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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