so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Randomize
