I am in a vortex of obligation.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
