shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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