i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
