evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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