Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
