Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Alive.
So much puke
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
