I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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