eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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