You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
