Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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