can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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