Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
