dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize