I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
