dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did I show you my penis last night?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
