I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
