His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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