If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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