I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
