The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
