There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize