my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
