i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
