i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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