my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
