so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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