I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
