Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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