I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
