What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
