it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
