my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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