I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
