I never want to see another naked old woman again.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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