i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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